The Table of Less Valued Knights Read online

  ‘My name is Lady Elaine du Mont,’ said the damsel. ‘I’ve been travelling with your wife, Queen Martha, for these past few months, during which time she has been in disguise as a man and using the name Marcus. She is not the prisoner you’ve followed here. I can take you to her if you wish.’

  ‘What’s the catch?’ said Edwin.

  ‘The catch?’

  ‘Nobody ever does anything just for the sake of it. There’s always a price. How much do you want?’

  Elaine shook her head. ‘I don’t want money.’

  ‘Really?’ said Edwin. ‘You look like you need it.’

  ‘No,’ said Elaine. ‘I need something else.’

  ‘Of course you do. Spit it out.’

  Elaine looked around, but there was nobody else in the forge. ‘Can I count on your discretion?’ she said.

  ‘Count away,’ said Edwin.

  ‘I am expecting a child. The father is irrelevant, a former guard at my parents’ castle, long gone now. I had a fiancé, a knight of King Leo’s, but he ran away from his responsibilities and no longer wishes to marry me. It seems to me that you need to find your Queen and dispose of her discreetly, and yet you need an heir. Meanwhile I need a husband and a father for my child. I will take you to Martha, you will kill her and marry me. And then you will raise my child as your heir. That is my price.’

  Elaine was attempting to appear calm but Edwin could smell the terror on her like a dog. She would certainly be a stunning Queen on his arm. Not to mention in his bed. And knowing the secret of the child’s parentage would make her easier to manipulate. But the child would not be his. And there was still the question of the legitimacy of his rule.

  ‘How about this,’ said Edwin. ‘You take me to Martha. I bring her back to Puddock and keep her as my wife until she bears me a child. Then I kill her and marry you. Your child may live with us if you insist, but it will have no rights to succession.’

  ‘I take you to Martha,’ said Elaine. ‘You bring her back to Puddock and keep us both away from sight until my baby is born. Then you kill her, claim that my baby is hers, and raise him to be king. You don’t have to marry me, but please, I beg you let me see the child.’

  ‘That’s very selfless of you,’ said Edwin.

  ‘Not really.’ Elaine held Edwin’s gaze for a few moments.

  ‘The heir to Tuft and Puddock will be my flesh and blood,’ said Edwin. ‘There is no negotiation on that point. My original offer is my final offer. Your child will have wealth, but he will not have power. Though perhaps we will make him a good marriage one day. That is the best most younger siblings can expect.’

  Elaine considered the offer, then nodded. ‘I accept.’

  Sixty-Two

  With Elaine as his guide, Edwin retraced his steps until he was back at the border village where he had killed Leo. It was a two-bit village now, but Edwin planned to build an enormous monument there to his triumph. People would come from miles around to admire it. It would be the jewel in the crown of Tuft. Or Tuft-Puddock, now that he was King of both nations. It would be Tuft-Puddock-Camelot soon. Then Tuft-Puddock-Camelot-Grint. It was getting to be a bit of a mouthful. He might as well just take all of Britain.

  Not that he would be invading Grint just yet. He didn’t want to waste valuable troops. And for ludicrous reasons, you weren’t allowed to take an army with you when you crossed the border into Grint.

  ‘Really?’ he said to the customs officer. ‘I’m not planning to do anything with them. Just a bit of marching. They need the practice.’

  ‘You have to leave them here,’ insisted the customs officer, a dwarf with a peculiarly hairy face. He looked vaguely familiar to Edwin.

  ‘I demand that you let them through,’ said Edwin.

  ‘Sorry. No can do.’

  ‘Leave them,’ said Elaine to Edwin. ‘You’re not going to need them.’

  ‘It’s a matter of principle,’ said Edwin. ‘I am the King. I will not be refused by a jobsworth dwarf.’

  ‘King or not, they’re not coming in,’ said the dwarf.

  Suddenly Edwin remembered. ‘You’re the dwarf from the Puddock border! Didn’t I send you back to the castle for incarceration?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said the dwarf, who seemed a lot less impressed with Edwin this time round.

  ‘I knew you wouldn’t actually go, you dwarves are all the same. Liars the lot of you.’

  ‘Actually I did go,’ said the dwarf. ‘I met a nice man there called Sir John Penrith. We practised our French together. Mais oui. I told him you sent me to be imprisoned, but he set me free. I don’t think he likes you very much. Obviously you’d sacked me so I couldn’t go back to the Puddock border, but well-trained customs officers can always find employment. I work for the Republic of Grint now. You have no jurisdiction over me, and that army stays in Tuft.’

  Edwin was preparing to kick the dwarf into next week, but Elaine turned to him. ‘Just leave the army behind. Remember, you’re here to rescue your wife.’

  ‘No, I’m not really, it’s more like –’

  Elaine silenced him with a flash of her entrancing eyes. ‘You’re here to rescue your wife,’ she repeated. ‘The people of Puddock will be enraptured by your bravery. Do you really want to share the glory with this pack of grunts?’ She gestured to the troops with a sweep of her elegant arm.

  Edwin was impressed. This damsel was smart. She might actually make a good wife for him. A listening ear and a quick wit could be useful attributes in a queen – or princess consort, as he was planning to call her.

  Edwin left some soldier or other in charge of the army, and he and Elaine travelled on alone. It was pissing down with rain now, which he’d have thought would be better than heat with the armour, but because the helmet didn’t match the breastplate there was a gap at the back of his neck where cold water was trickling in, and it was starting to accumulate in puddles around his hips. He should have got a new suit from that fat smith when he’d had the chance.

  ‘It’s not far from here,’ Elaine reassured him, picking up on his discomfort. A very good wife. She even looked lovely with rain plastering her hair to her face, God damn her.

  The village she brought him to was a dreary old place. How could people tolerate living in villages? They were so dull, and all the bloody same, give or take a church or a tavern. When he ran Grint he’d torch this place and plant himself a pleasure garden.

  At Elaine’s suggestion, they sheltered from the rain in a hay barn in a farm on the edge of the village, while they made their plan. Edwin removed his armour and stood in his sodden undergarments pouring rainwater out of the various pieces.

  ‘We’ll wait until night,’ said Elaine. ‘They’ll be asleep in their beds. Then you can go in and take her.’

  ‘They?’ said Edwin, stopping midway through tipping out his elbow guard. ‘She’s not alone?’

  ‘No,’ said Elaine. ‘There are others.’

  ‘How many?’ said Edwin.

  ‘Only five men,’ said Elaine. ‘All trained in combat. Six, if you include your wife. One of them is a giant. I think you’ve killed him once already.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘And a woman,’ Elaine continued smoothly, ‘but she is adept with a sword, having spent a number of years in that form herself. And maybe the Damsel at the Door, if she’s still there. I’m assuming she can do magic.’

  ‘I can’t go up against that many!’ said Edwin, aghast. ‘Even I, I mean.’

  ‘But they’ll be asleep.’

  ‘And if they wake?’

  ‘If you’re quiet they won’t wake.’

  ‘And if she screams?’

  Elaine didn’t say anything but she looked downcast. Edwin was disappointed. He’d thought she was intelligent. He should have known not to expect too much of a woman.

  ‘You go instead,’ said Edwin. ‘She trusts you. Go to where she is, find some kind of excuse and bring her back here to me.’

  ‘I’m not sure that
she trusts me very much,’ said Elaine. ‘She’ll be wondering where I’ve been all this time.’

  ‘She trusts you more than she trusts me. And the others – they won’t suspect you, will they?’

  Elaine shook her head. ‘No. At least, I don’t think so.’

  ‘So go,’ said Edwin. ‘You’ll be perfectly safe. You’ll be long gone before they realise that anything is wrong.’ And if not, well, never mind.

  Elaine turned to go, then turned back. ‘But what if she won’t come with me? She’s in the form of a man now, she’s stronger than me, and I’m with child. I don’t think I can overcome her.’

  Edwin groaned with exasperation. ‘You’ll be fine.’

  ‘But what if I’m not fine?’

  ‘Have you no courage at all? Look, take my sword, and if there’s any trouble don’t hesitate to use it. Just don’t kill her, and don’t damage her womb. Understood?’

  ‘Yes, Your Majesty.’

  Edwin handed Elaine the sword from his pile of armour. Elaine curtseyed, opened the barn door, slipped out into the rain and closed the door behind her.

  Edwin waited. The rain drummed on the roof of the barn like the fingers of a thousand bored men.

  Then eight people jumped out from beneath the hay, weapons drawn.

  ‘Surprise!’ said Martha, pulling back her bow, an arrow pointed straight at his eye.

  Sixty-Three

  ‘What shall we do with him?’ said Martha.

  Edwin was bound and gagged in the middle of the barn. The others sat around him picking hay out of their hair and clothes.

  ‘Kill him,’ said Conrad. ‘I’ll do it myself if you like. Tit for tat.’

  Edwin whimpered through his gag.

  ‘That is the obvious choice,’ said Martha.

  ‘Annul your marriage to him first, though,’ said Elaine, who had joined them. ‘You don’t want to be known as a husband-killer.’

  ‘That stigma never goes away,’ agreed Humphrey, who was sitting very close to Elaine.

  ‘Can I do that?’ said Martha.

  ‘You are the Queen,’ Jasper reminded her.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Martha. ‘Well. Edwin, consider our marriage annulled.’

  Edwin tried to say something through the gag but it came out as more of a spit.

  ‘Of course that means I can’t rule, now that I’m unmarried again. Oh well. I suppose I’ll have to change the constitution.’

  ‘Absolute power has its uses,’ said Jasper.

  ‘So shall I go ahead?’ said Conrad. ‘Get it? A head?’ He mimed pulling Edwin’s head off. Edwin tried to squirm away from him but his bonds were too tight for him to move.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Martha. ‘I don’t know if I have it in me to kill in cold blood.’

  ‘Apart from unicorns,’ Humphrey reminded her.

  ‘You could put him in an iron mask,’ said Karim.

  ‘He’s not bad-looking,’ said Alistair. ‘Seems a shame to cover up that face.’

  ‘You can’t see his teeth under the gag,’ said Martha, ‘but to be honest, it’s more that he’s ugly on the inside. And I’m not one to talk. I was a pretty lousy-looking female, and now …’

  ‘You look all right to me,’ said Karim.

  Martha flushed a little.

  ‘I can restore you to your previous form, if you like,’ said the Damsel at the Door, who was no longer the Damsel at the Door but the Beauty in the Barn.

  ‘Really?’ said Martha.

  ‘Yes. Restorative magic takes a while but it is possible. It’s a bit like untangling a knot. Fiddly but doable.’

  Martha, hopeful but worried, couldn’t help but glance at Karim.

  ‘I told you before,’ said Karim, ‘some people don’t mind either way. And you should be you.’

  Martha smiled. ‘Thank you,’ she said to the Beauty in the Barn. ‘When we have time, I would be grateful for that. But right now it’s not the most pressing matter at hand.’ She pointed the tip of an arrow at the captive Prince of Tuft.

  ‘If it’s hands you’re interested in, I could pull his fingers off, stick two up his nose, the rest in his mouth, and we can watch him suffocate,’ suggested Conrad.

  Edwin shrieked into his gag. Again he tried to move away from Conrad but he only managed to tip over.

  ‘I have another suggestion,’ said Leila, as she watched Edwin flail. ‘Now that I’m a person again, there’s a vacancy for a magic sword.’

  ‘That seems quite generous,’ said Humphrey. ‘He killed a child.’

  ‘Amongst others,’ said Conrad.

  ‘Have any of you ever been a sword?’ said Leila. Unsurprisingly, none of them had. ‘It is not in the least bit generous. It’s a prison worse than …’ She looked at her brother. ‘Worse even than an iron mask, I think. And he wouldn’t be any old sword. He’d be magic. There can be certain restrictions put on what he can do.’

  Martha looked at Edwin, who was sweating a lot for someone who was drenched in icy rainwater. ‘Only to be used in the defence of the innocent, for example,’ she said. ‘To remain a sword until his soul truly repents?’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Leila.

  ‘Could you do that?’ Martha said to the Beauty in the Barn.

  ‘Sure,’ said the Beauty in the Barn. ‘Transfiguration into swords is one of the first things you learn at the Lake. Oh, Edwin. I bet you wish you’d been nicer to me now.’

  Edwin’s face began to turn faintly yellow.

  ‘And you’re going to need a sword,’ said Elaine. ‘There’s still an army on the border, loyal to Edwin and Leo. I don’t think they’re going to turn round and go home just because you ask them nicely.’

  ‘It sounds like I’m going to need more than a sword,’ said Martha. She looked around at her friends. ‘I’m going to need knights. What do you say?’

  There was a pause.

  ‘You want me to be one of your knights?’ said Humphrey.

  ‘I want you all to be my knights,’ said Martha. ‘First I need to prevent a war with Tuft, and then there’s so many things I want to change at home. I want Puddock to be a place where you can live safely, brother. I want it to be somewhere where everyone can live peacefully. I need your help to do that. I need all of you to help.’

  Jasper turned to his husband and raised his eyebrows. Alistair thought about it for a moment, then nodded.

  ‘Without a doubt, yes,’ said Karim.

  ‘And we’d all be knights?’ said Conrad, with the beginnings of a smile.

  ‘All of you. Though the Lady of the Lake might prefer a more supernatural role. Say, the Crone at the Castle? I can promise you an excellent apprentice.’

  ‘Less of the Crone, thank you,’ said the former Lady. ‘Though I suppose I might consider Sorceress of the Citadel.’

  Martha turned to Leila. ‘Lord knows you’ve served me long enough, and that against your will. You are, of course, free to go – as indeed you all are. I can see you might dearly wish to leave. You owe me nothing. But, Leila, should you choose to stay, I would like you as my personal guard. There is nobody I trust more.’ She glanced nervously at her brother as she said this, but he nodded his encouragement.

  ‘I would be honoured,’ said Leila.

  ‘What about me?’ said Elaine. ‘I can’t possibly be a knight. I haven’t a clue about how to fight, and I’ve got a baby to bring up on my own.’

  ‘You’re not on your own,’ said Humphrey. ‘Not if you don’t want to be.’ He reached out and took her hand.

  Martha felt a surge of warmth as she watched them. Maybe a hint of the old jealousy too, but nothing that mattered. ‘There’s more than one way to fight,’ she said to Elaine. ‘You’ve got a great head for strategy. I could use an adviser like you. Are you in?’

  ‘I’m in. For now, anyway. I have some plans of my own. I want to go to Africa. I want to see where elephants come from.’

  ‘And people,’ Karim reminded her.

  ‘And people,’ Elaine agreed.
‘I want to show my child the world. I might even take a knight with me.’ She squeezed Humphrey’s hand. ‘But Puddock first. For as long as you need me.’

  ‘So it’s settled,’ said Martha. ‘Thank you all. I could not wish for better companions. Now, much as I would like to celebrate, first we’d better figure out what to do about this army, before they cross the border looking for the …’ She glanced over to where Edwin had been, where now lay a beautiful golden sword with a pearl-studded hilt. ‘Ex-Prince Consort. Right. Who’s got any ideas?’

  And thus began the adventures of Queen Martha and the Table of Equally Valued Knights.

  MARIE PHILLIPS was born in London in 1976. Her first novel, Gods Behaving Badly, was published in 2007. Widely acclaimed, it was translated into over fifteen languages. She is also the writer, with fellow novelist Robert Hudson, of the BBC Radio 4 series Warhorses of Letters.