The Table of Less Valued Knights Read online

  ‘Yellow and blue,’ said Edwin. Leo’s colours. ‘Of course.’

  There were soldiers everywhere. They were all bustling around as if they had something incredibly important to do, because if you didn’t look busy around Leo, you got sacked or executed. Even the two guards at the entrance to the pavilion were standing to attention to the point of paralysis, silently exuding the message that standing still was itself a form of being busy, if you put your all into it.

  Edwin rode up to them.

  ‘Halt!’ said both guards in perfect chorus. ‘Who goes there?’

  ‘I’m Edwin,’ said Edwin. ‘Prince of Tuft, King of Puddock.’

  ‘Really?’ said one of the guards, not entirely respectfully. ‘Oh, I suppose you are. And who’s that?’

  The Lady of the Lake was sitting sullenly in front of him, barefoot, long black hair tangled from the ride, hands bound with rope, blue dress hitched up to her thighs so that she could straddle Storm.

  ‘She’s my whore,’ said Edwin.

  ‘Right,’ said the guard, uninterested.

  Edwin dismounted and dragged the Lady of the Lake after him. He handed Storm’s reins to one of the guards and the Lady of the Lake’s arm to the other one.

  ‘Look after them both,’ he said. ‘And be careful. I am very fond of that horse.’

  He started to go into the pavilion.

  ‘You can’t just go in there,’ said the guard holding Storm.

  ‘Yes I can,’ said Edwin.

  The guards exchanged sneering looks as he swept inside, but nobody tried to stop him.

  The air in the pavilion was hot, close and fetid. In the dim blue light, soldiers seethed like maggots on carrion. Edwin grabbed the shoulder of a passing officer.

  ‘Show me to Leo,’ he said.

  ‘What makes you think the King’s going to want to see you?’ said the officer.

  ‘I’m his brother,’ said Edwin.

  ‘I know,’ said the officer. He shrugged Edwin off and moved on.

  Above the heads of the soldiers, Edwin saw a face he knew: Noah, the deputy head steward. Edwin forced his way through the military mass towards him.

  ‘Noah!’ he called out. ‘Noah, it’s me! Prince Edwin!’

  Noah turned his head towards the approaching prince, his face as inscrutable as if it had been carved out of stone.

  ‘I need you to take me to Leo. Immediately.’

  Without moving a muscle, Noah somehow managed to convey his doubt that Edwin’s undertaking could in any way be of importance. But from through the crowd, Edwin heard a bored voice say, ‘Oh God, bring him here, then.’

  Noah turned and, with a wave of his arm, parted the soldiers as easily as if he were drawing curtains. Beyond them, Leo was sitting at a large, ornate wooden desk that must have been a nightmare to transport from place to place. On the desk was a map, and on the map was a small silver eagle. Leo pointed to it.

  ‘Me,’ he said.

  On the desk beside the map was a crumb.

  ‘You,’ said Leo.

  Edwin did the smallest bow that he could manage, he hoped for the last time.

  ‘So you’re invading Grint, then?’ he said.

  It wasn’t a bad idea. Grint was a nation of lunatics and floozies who needed a firm hand. Edwin planned to get around to invading it himself, when he’d taken care of a few more pressing grudges.

  ‘What, this?’ said Leo. ‘No. Well, eventually, yes, when I can be bothered. But if you’re asking what I’m doing here, I’ve had some prisoners stolen from me, one of them a very important prisoner. I’ve been tracking them. They passed this way, so I’m here to get them back.’

  ‘And the important one is Martha?’

  ‘Your runaway bint?’ Leo smirked. ‘How could she be, when, according to you, I killed her?’

  Edwin looked around, but there was no hope of privacy.

  ‘We both know that you didn’t kill her,’ he hissed. ‘And the Lady of the Lake told me that you were here looking for Martha.’

  ‘Then the Lady of the Lake is wrong,’ said Leo.

  ‘Are you sure? You said you were looking for some of your prisoners. You might not even know that you have her.’

  ‘I think I would notice,’ said Leo. ‘For a start, they are all men.’

  ‘Exactly. Martha is disguised as a man.’ It was Edwin’s turn to smirk.

  Leo had looked startled in front of Edwin once before and he wasn’t about to do it again. Even so, he took a breath before he answered. ‘One of the prisoners did always insist that we refer to him as a woman. It seems unlikely that that ugly bastard is your wife, though, because he’s been in the dungeon since –’

  But Edwin had heard enough.

  ‘King Leo of Tuft,’ he announced in a loud voice, ‘you have stolen my wife, the Queen of Puddock, and thus breached the sovereignty of the nation of Puddock. I challenge you to a duel.’

  Leo had trained his soldiers to react to nothing without his cue. Edwin might as well have made his pronouncement in an empty room.

  ‘A what?’ said Leo.

  ‘A fucking duel, you dick. Winner gets Martha and both nations.’

  ‘You remember, of course, that I have a fiancée who is pregnant with not one but two of my heirs?’

  ‘I’ll take a spot as Regent,’ said Edwin. Just until she shows up to make her claim and I get a chance to kill her and her babies too.

  Leo leaned back in his chair. ‘And why would I want to fight a duel with you?’

  ‘It’s either that or I’m challenging you to a war.’

  ‘You don’t challenge someone to a war,’ said Leo. ‘You declare a war.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter! I’ll war you! So choose!’

  ‘You’ll lose either way,’ said Leo.

  ‘If that’s what you really think, then get it over with.’

  A soldier appeared beside Edwin at Leo’s desk. Edwin recognised him as one of the guards from outside the tent. The soldier bowed with a huge flourish.

  ‘Your Majesty,’ he said, ‘the prisoners have been found. The Lady of the Lake revealed their whereabouts in exchange for her liberty.’

  ‘What?’ said Edwin. ‘You can’t let her go. That’s my Lady of the Lake!’

  ‘Too late,’ said the guard with a shrug.

  ‘Well done, Brian,’ said Leo.

  ‘My name is George, my liege.’

  ‘We must be on the move at once. Tell the men to pack up the tents.’

  George hurried away. Leo looked back at Edwin as though he were an apple core he didn’t know what to do with.

  ‘A duel or a war?’ Edwin reminded him. ‘It’s your choice. If you’re so sure you’ll win, what’s the risk?’

  ‘Fine, fine,’ said Leo, ‘a duel it is. It is the cheaper option, after all. I look forward to adding Puddock to my prizes, and to having a go on your bitch, of course, once I smoke her out. But let’s make it snappy. I’ve got these prisoners to catch.’

  Edwin was already wearing Sir Dorian’s third-best armour and had taken his second-best helmet, Sir Dorian not requiring it any more, so he was ready to fight. Leo got Noah to dress him quickly. There was no dissenting voice amongst the soldiers as to the wisdom of the duel. Not one of the men there would dare contradict the King once he had made a decision.

  Noah went ahead, to prepare a suitable site. It was clouding over outside, for the first time after the long stretch of summer heat, and in the distance Edwin could hear the first rumblings of thunder. Although he was focused on the forthcoming task of killing his brother, he couldn’t help but wonder how often knights got struck by lightning. He hoped he would be able to take his armour off soon.

  ‘I don’t know why you’re in such a hurry to die,’ said Leo, as the pair of them walked together towards the designated field.

  ‘On the contrary, I’ve been waiting to kill you ever since I was born,’ said Edwin.

  ‘Really? I’ve barely been aware of you at all. Ah, here we are.’<
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  Edwin looked around at the field of his destiny. It was a large, rough rectangle, the grass knee-deep, interrupted here and there by molehills. Noah had picked a spot for them where the ground wasn’t too uneven, lessening the chance of this encounter being decided by who tripped first. Thunder growled more loudly now, and Edwin felt the first few drops of rain clang against his armour. Apart from Noah, they were alone.

  ‘Come on!’ said Leo. ‘Back to back. Three paces to Noah’s count, then turn.’

  Noah looked intensely annoyed that he was going to have to speak, but there was no way around it.

  Edwin and Leo stood back to back, swords drawn, Edwin facing the tents. The soldiers were busy preparing to move the encampment, and none of them were looking in their direction. There was no question in their minds that Leo was going to win this duel. Anybody who might have doubted it had already been eliminated from the command chain. This view could be the last thing that Edwin ever saw, this ultimate expression of Leo’s mastery, that he controlled even the thoughts of his troops.

  Noah inhaled, ready to begin his count. Edwin wheeled around, sliced him in half through the belly and, even as the steward fell, plunged his wet sword through the one soft part of Leo’s armour, the part that covered his buttocks, thrusting upwards through his arsehole and out the other side.

  Leo collapsed to the ground. He looked up at his brother with pride for the first and last time.

  ‘I was planning to turn on “one”,’ he gasped as he died.

  Sixty

  They almost didn’t hear the banging on the door of the cottage, the thunder was so loud. They had pulled the shutters closed against the driving rain and were still gathered together in the parlour, discussing how best to deal with Edwin. When they realised there was someone at the door, they looked at one another with horror.

  ‘Could anybody have followed you here?’ Jasper asked.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Karim. ‘I was very careful.’

  ‘Although even if they only got a general idea of where we were heading, there are four horses and an elephant in your front garden, which is a bit of a giveaway,’ said Humphrey.

  ‘Oh, for crying out loud,’ said Alistair. ‘Couldn’t you have parked them somewhere else?’

  ‘I’ll move them,’ said Conrad, starting to get up.

  ‘No,’ said Elaine. ‘None of you can go out there. King Leo’s looking for half of you lot, and Edwin’s looking for the rest. Conrad, Edwin thinks that you’re dead! If that’s him out there, what’s he going to do if you suddenly appear at the door carrying an elephant halter? He’ll kill you all over again, and this time we don’t have an antidote.’

  The knocking at the door became more insistent.

  ‘All of you stay put,’ said Elaine. ‘I’ll deal with this.’

  ‘What about me?’ said Leila. ‘I could come with you. Nobody knows I’m alive. You don’t know how to use a sword. I can protect you.’

  Elaine hesitated. Then she said, ‘It’s too risky. If King Leo’s out there looking for Karim, he might recognise you. Look, everybody stay here. I’ll answer the door. It’s probably just a traveller caught out in the rain. And if it is someone we need to worry about, I’m the only one who won’t be recognised. I’ll come up with some story about the animals. Don’t worry, I’ll be perfectly safe.’

  ‘But …’ began Humphrey.

  ‘Be quiet and don’t move!’ insisted Elaine. ‘I’m going before they break down the door.’

  It certainly sounded as if the knocking was heading that way.

  ‘I don’t like you going alone,’ said Humphrey.

  Elaine just left the room without another word, closing the door firmly. Then she put on her most innocent smile and opened the front door of the cottage.

  On the threshold was a damsel with long black hair, a blue dress and no shoes. Elaine was surprised. She hadn’t been expecting a damsel. She was also confused because, despite the torrential downpour, the damsel appeared to be perfectly dry.

  ‘What can I do for you?’ said Elaine.

  ‘Let me guess,’ said the damsel. ‘You’re not Martha and I’m pretty sure you’re not Leila. Elaine?’

  ‘You’re mistaken, my lady,’ said Elaine. ‘Perhaps you are looking for another house in the village? As you can see, this is the home of the veterinarian.’

  Jemima gave her a reproachful look, as if to say that no true veterinarian would leave an elephant out in a torrential downpour.

  ‘Oh. Of course. You’re being cagey. That’s understandable. But I’m the Lady of the Lake. Well, I’m the acting Lady of the Lake.’

  ‘I don’t see a lake anywhere near here,’ said Elaine, ‘unless you mean one of those puddles.’

  ‘The Lake is a metaphysical realm. It could be any body of water. And to be honest, it’s just a title. It could be any designation and location. So, actually, right now I’m the Damsel at the Door,’ said the Damsel at the Door.

  ‘That’s very interesting,’ said Elaine. ‘I’m sorry I can’t be of any help. I’d invite you in to shelter from the storm, but my husband isn’t at home.’

  ‘You’re not married,’ said the Damsel at the Door, ‘otherwise that baby of yours wouldn’t be such a problem, would it?’

  Elaine stepped out into the rain and pulled the door shut behind her.

  ‘What do you want?’ she said.

  ‘I just want to talk to Martha,’ said the Damsel at the Door.

  ‘There is no Martha here.’

  ‘Of course not,’ said the Damsel at the Door. ‘Stupid me. You’re all impossible, you know that? I’m only ever trying to help. Well, let me give you a message for Martha, just in case you happen to meet someone of that name. Tell her that Edwin is looking for her, that he’s planning to kill her. Tell her I’ve staved him off but not for long. I’ve sent him after the wrong prisoners, the ones who left with the blacksmith. Tell her that she needs to be ready. Can you do that?’

  Elaine nodded. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I can.’

  But she was already forming a better idea.

  Sixty-One

  ‘Where are the prisoners?’ Edwin demanded.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, mate,’ said the blacksmith. He was sitting inside the forge next to the enormous hearth, eating a thick slice of bread with bacon and dripping.

  ‘Don’t call me mate,’ said Edwin. ‘I’m the King of two nations! I am Your Majesty!’

  ‘King of two nations, eh?’ said the blacksmith. ‘In that armour? It doesn’t fit properly, and the helmet doesn’t match the rest of it. I can kit you out with a new suit if you like. At a very competitive price.’

  ‘I’ve got an entire army waiting outside!’

  Leo’s troops were following Edwin so far, though their loyalty was grudging at best. There had been too many witnesses to the agreement to have a duel for them to disbelieve that Leo had lost, extraordinary as it seemed to them, and Edwin was Tuft’s only living heir. The death of Noah had been harder to explain. Edwin claimed that he’d killed himself out of grief for the loss of his King, and this had appeared to placate the men, though who knew how long that would last. Surely one of them would figure out soon enough that cutting oneself in half is not a standard form of suicide. Edwin feared a coup. He knew he’d have to keep the army busy to stop them from turning on him, and that was just one of the reasons he was now planning a war on Camelot. He had Tuft’s army under his command, just about, and Puddock was already preparing for battle. So why not start at the top? Arthur and his bloody Round Table! So smug, so superior, so infuriating! Sir Dorian was just the beginning. Edwin would take them all down, one by one by one if he needed to. Just as soon as he found Martha. Oh, and sorted out the conscription and the training and the marching and the rest.

  ‘In that case,’ said the smith, ‘you’ll be needing a lot more armour than that. As it happens, I’m running a special offer at the moment. Buy nine suits of armour and the tenth is free. I
f you wait while I finish my butty, I’ll get you a loyalty card.’

  ‘I’m not interested in buying any armour!’

  ‘That’s only because we haven’t found the right deal for you yet.’

  Edwin took a deep breath and tried again.

  ‘I’m looking for three men.’

  ‘Well, I don’t work in that kind of business myself, but I can ask around.’

  ‘No. Three specific men. Escaped prisoners. One is – do not misunderstand me – one is actually a woman. He just looks like a man.’

  ‘It’s not my place to judge. The customer is always right.’

  ‘The others …’ What had the army captain told him? ‘There is an inferior knight of some sort, and a coloured squire. I believe unconnected to one another. But they are of lesser importance. The man who is really a woman is the one I need to find. Let us beat around the bush no longer. You will clearly do anything for money. I will make it worth your while.’

  ‘That’s as may be,’ said the smith, ‘but I still don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘But I do,’ said a voice behind Edwin.

  He turned. At the door to the forge was a beautiful damsel, dressed in a shabby grey dress. In this hovel she was an apparition, a pot of gold at the end of a grubby rainbow. Edwin could see sadness in her eyes, which pleased him. Sadness made women more vulnerable.

  She curtseyed low. ‘Your Majesty,’ she said as she straightened. ‘May we speak in private?’

  ‘You see, that’s the way to talk to a king,’ said Edwin to the smith. He turned back to the girl. ‘I’ll do more than speak to you in private,’ he said. Then, to the smith: ‘Piss off.’

  ‘It’s my forge,’ grumbled the smith, but he popped the last bit of bread in his mouth, and got up to go. He gave the damsel a look that seemed intended to be meaningful, but she didn’t react.

  ‘You know about the man who is really a woman?’ said Edwin, after the door shut behind the smith.

  ‘Yes, Your Majesty,’ said the damsel. ‘I believe the person you are referring to is your wife.’

  Edwin tried to emulate his late brother in feeling surprise but not showing it. He did not succeed. ‘Carry on,’ he said.